all the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players

It's complicated. I have all these thoughts and emotions swirling around inside my head that I can't get out. They haunt me with their feelings and ideas. They possess me with their relentless ferocity. I want to let them out, to set them free by giving them a voice, but they don't seem to want to leave. I confuse people with my words. I say things I'm not even sure I mean, or if I do, it's not quite like how it sounds. I want them to understand, but I'm not sure if they can.

Now I understand why I was the way I was in high school. I want to be that way again. To close myself off from everybody and express myself in other ways. My art. My poetry. My anti-social, self-destructive behaviour. To be as tormented on the outside as I am on the inside.

It's nobody's fault. I don't know why I'm the way that I am. I don't have some deep, dark secret about my childhood. No abuse. No real trauma to speak of. I'm not mentally ill (at least not medically speaking anyway). And yet, here I am, trying to give a voice to these ghosts of what once might've been my humanity. But then, I'm just being overly dramatic. Of course I'm human, whether or not I feel that way. I'm just like everyone else, except I don't have much of a stomach for this thing called life.

Life's a play (without much of a plot it would seem), and we're nothing more than actors putting on a show before the curtain comes crashing down. And most of us either think there's some big playwright up in the sky watching us and waiting to reward the good performances with heaven and punish the bad ones with hell, or we think the play itself is all there is and that we might as well have as much fun with our roles as we can before the curtain falls.

But what of those who think neither? The ones who throw away their masks in disgust? The ones who set fire to the stage and tear down the curtain with their own two hands? The ones who see the play for what it is and want no part of it? What of us and our bitter scorn?

And still my heart wages war against even this! It battles with love and compassion for all the actors on the stage, and with admiration for the beauty of the play itself. The turmoil just another act playing itself out on an internal stage, and wouldn't you know it, I'm playing my role despite myself! What a clever creation, so perfectly insidious in its designerless design. Maybe one day I'll find a way to exorcise these phantoms, these thoughts and emotions that won't give me any peace. Maybe one day I'll find a way to make people understand.

meaningful connections

Sometimes I think I think too much, but every once in while, those thoughts provoke some interesting questions about life. On the way home from attending a talk at PSU, for example, I sparked an interesting discussion on Facebook/Twitter with the tweet: "Technology has made the world smaller, yet we're more alienated than ever: how can I feel so alone when the world's at my fingertips?"

The next morning, my friend, Erica, commented on Facebook:

Our monkeyselves need meatspace, no matter what we can sit and stare at.

While humourous, her reply hit upon an idea echoed by friend, Matt, on Twitter:

"Different medium, same old problem. Connecting with someone still requires effort from two people."

I replied to both:

And therein lies the dilemma. Sometimes I think we're like galaxies in an ever-expanding universe: drifting off into oblivion. As the world appears to get smaller with advances in technology, we seem to be drifting farther and farther apart.

And then added on Facebook:

I don't know. Maybe I just feel that way because I'm so socially awkward, but as I was sitting on the bus last night — watching all the people listening to their MP3 players and playing with their cell phones (not to mention me with mine) — the alienation was palpable.

Perhaps I've been reading too much Marx, but I can't help but feel this invisible barrier between me and my fellow bipedal primates, a barrier that doesn't feel natural at all.

I feel like the cow tongue of meatspace; nobody likes cow tongue, they'd rather have their Matrix-steak.

Less than 10 minutes later, Erica responded with:

Well, 20 years ago on the bus folks were doing their very best to ignore each other in an analog fashion (newspapers, books). I really think the invention of the suburb and the television have done much more to isolate ourselves.

I think a lot of us feel that barrier, just not everybody admits it. I think it is a common longing of a social animal that no longer lives in communal spaces. That's why I throw myself into whatever food rituals I can, get out into nature whenever I can, go out on a limb to make connections no matter how minor (smiling at the grocery store at the smallest end of the spectrum, having a child at the greatest end). You do what you can. Most of us have cow-tongue and are relieved when we find out the truth, that others do too. Matrix steak just doesn't have the nutrients.

I was kind of taken aback by how much she seemed to get where I was coming from. At this point, my friend, Brian, got involved by pointing out the role technology has played in connecting people with one another:

You can't blame technology; I know many people whose social interactions and lifestyles have improved because of increased connectivity. Think of how many new friends YOU personally have BECAUSE of technology and the internet. It's probably in the high dozens, perhaps hundreds.

Your friend Erica nailed it: It's always been this way, as long as we've been a society of suburbs. It's not like there were these rousing and engaging conversations on city buses or subway cars before cell phones, dude.

He brought up a great point, one that Matt had also touched upon via Twitter in response to my “ever-expanding universe” comment:

Says he who didn't want a mobile. We Twitter / txt more in 2 days than we communicated all last year between your visits.

I couldn’t argue with either of their points, but then again, I wasn’t referring to simple connectivity as much as what I saw to be an erosion of meaningful social interactions and relationships in general. Attempting to address this, I wrote:

I completely agree. And just to be clear, I wasn't blaming technology, simply commenting on the fact that I can still feel so lonely despite having the "world at my fingertips" via technological advances that have made the world so much smaller. (Seriously, it's hard to get all philosophically complex in just 140 characters. You know how I usually write. :p)

For example, just being able to communicate with others via things like the internet doesn't necessarily make those interactions truly meaningful on a deeper, more intimate level. I think there's more to it than that (e.g., being able to tear down those invisible barriers, etc.).

I mean, I'm not denying that increased connectivity has improved the social interactions and relationships of certain people (hell, I was at ICOK: meaningful social interactions were off the hook!), but I think it's also made some of them more artificial (for lack of a better word), and even somewhat shallow.

As for the origin of the kind of alienation I was referring to, I didn't mean to imply that technology was the cause. In fact, I agree with you both that no longer living in communal spaces is one of the major causes. But I also believe that there are other factors involved, factors which have directly contributed to our no longer living in communal spaces (e.g., Marx's Theory of Alienation).

In the end, I still don't have any concrete answers, but at least I've been reminded of some things I forgot along the way. The most important one being: we're all more alike than we often realize.

Like Erica said, we're social creatures, and we all feel isolated at times, even if it's not always easy for us to admit it. But that shouldn't stop us from doing what we can to reach out and make connections with other people, whether it's by smiling at the grocery store, starting a family or responding to a friend's tweet.

my 4 seconds of fame

Yesterday must have been a slow news day in PDX (read "nobody got shot"). KOIN Local 6 was at P & L doing a story about how health care costs are affecting small businesses. I even got some air time. My 4 seconds of fame (1:36):



I'm a perfect example of what Marx called an "appendage of the machine." :p

ketchup bloody ketchup

While eating lunch last Sunday, I overheard someone at our table say quite matter-of-factly that Heinz ketchup was made with animal blood because it helps to keep the ketchup red. For a split second, I actually thought it might be true, but thankfully my bullshit detector went off and I immediately grabbed the bottle to inspect it. Sure enough, right on the label was the symbol of the Orthodox Union (it's the U inside the circle) certifying that the product was kosher.

For those who aren't familiar with Jewish dietary law, eating blood is strictly forbidden as per Gen. 9:4, Lev 3:17, Lev 17:11 and Deut 12:16. In other words, nothing can be labelled "kosher" with animal blood as an ingredient.

Just be to sure (read "sick sense of curiosity"), I googled "Heinz" and "animal blood" after I got home to see what I could find. Apparently, it's a popular urban legend. I'm not sure why, though. I mean, where do people even get these ideas? Why the fuck would anybody put animal blood in ketchup in the first place? "That's how it gets it's red colouring," they say. "It keeps it from turning black." Um, its red colour couldn't be from all the ripe, pickled tomatoes could it? Not to mention the fact that, as my friend Brian pointed out, BLOOD TURNS BLACK WHEN IT OXIDIZES!

So the moral of this story is: if you hear someone say that Heinz ketchup is made with animal blood, smack them in the back of the head for saying something so stupid. Or at the very least, take the time to calmly explain to them about kosher foods and Jewish dietary law. Who knows, maybe they'll actually learn something worth repeating in public while everyone's trying to eat their chicken strips and french fries.

$100 million campaign promotes capitalism

From the Washington Times:

$100 million campaign promotes capitalism

That's the spirit, Chamber of Commerce! When the going gets tough, advertise!

"We know we've helped to cause a world-wide economic crisis and massive unemployment, not to mention help kill your 401(k) plans and pension funds, but we've still got a lot going for us."

Personally, I think we need to move far, far away from unregulated laissez-faire capitalism. As one person so aptly put it:

Libertarianism is a strange religion. The belief that if everyone just did what was in their own best interest, the world would be all happy and care-free. It never works out in reality. It's like cells of the body. If they work only in their own best interest, they grow and multiply until they damage or kill the host. We call that cancer.

happy indigenous peoples' day

I prefer to call today Indigenous Peoples' Day. Why? Because Columbus doesn't deserve a national fucking holiday.

I don't dislike Columbus Day simply because he "discovered" land that was already inhabited (Hispaniola), I dislike it for the fact that he helped to literally wipe that land of its original inhabitants, the peaceful Arawaks, through his unbelievable cruelty and that of those who followed him to the New World.

What happened to these poor people was nothing short of genocide. Stealing land and killing and/or enslaving its native inhabitants isn't OK. There's simply no justification for it.

And for all those who are unfamiliar with the real history behind Columbus Day, I suggest checking out:

You Are Still Being Lied To: Howard Zinn’s "Columbus and Western Civilization"

obama wins 2009 nobel peace prize

I woke up to this new today from the BBC:

Obama wins 2009 Nobel Peace Prize

Gandhi, the man whose name in synonymous with nonviolence, never got one, but they gave one to Obama for "his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and co-operation between peoples"?

I mean, I like Obama and all, but the Peace Prize? Seriously, Oslo? With only 8 months in office and after sending an additional 21,000 troops to Afghanistan, and possibly more in the near future?

The best comment I've seen so far is: "I hope Obama will be able to take time out from planning the escalation of troops into Afghanistan to accept the Peace Prize" (Xoxarle).

But to be honest, I think it's more of a slap in the face to Bush than anything else. (That's the going theory on FRDB at any rate.)

Or maybe it's satire (or "an embarrassing surreal tragic joke on a universal scale" as one member of the SPUSA put it), referring to the Party's official slogan in George Orwell's classic dystopian novel 1984: War is Peace; Freedom is Slavery; Ignorance is Strength.

I don't know. It's too early for me think this much.